?Have a little humor because it?s the last great lesson they will teach you.? Country singer Amy Grant said that on Katie Couric?s show while talking about the fact that she and her sisters had to learn how to take care of their aging parents.? Grant?s mother passed away but not before suffering from dementia, among other ailments common to seniors. Amy?s father is still living but his memory has faded. ?Since Grant is a singer, she?s found her father?s memory returns when she sings familiar lyrics.
I actually stumbled on the show while surfing through the on TV guide.??Watching a parent progressively forget everything is no easier than watching a parent suffer from a physical ailment. In fact, it may be one of the most depressing and agonizing experiences in life. My siblings and I know this first hand. It may also be surprising to realize how many other people are having or have had such experiences.
I just so happened to have a conversation about that with a neighbor one day. She is here in North Carolina, but her aging mother is?up north?with her other children. Terry told me that her sisters are having a hard time handling their mother?s condition. Her mother accuses them and others of stealing from her. She sometimes doesn?t remember their names and often talks to them as if they are children. With her long distance daughter, Terry, she is patient and always happy to hear from her via telephone. The conclusion: Aging parents, depending on their lifelong personality, may be harder on the people who are physically closest to them. What many of us with aging parents have found is that whatever their lifetime personality, anticipate that those characteristics will magnify with age.
No matter what their personality, one lesson we?ve learned is to never strike back. Patience is difficult when the aging parent forgets something or accuses you of something you didn?t do. We?ve found it?s best to take the time to explain whatever it is because pursuing an argument has dead end results. Just like the parent taught us not to touch hot radiators, we may now have to teach them to turn off the stove or not turn it on at all. We may have to perform the painful task of taking their car keys or telling them what to do. We also need to realize that we too may ultimately suffer from similar forms of dementia, especially if it already runs in the family.
Some years ago I traveled to Massachusetts to visit my best friend, arriving at her house while she was still at work. ?Her mother who was in her 80s at the time was home and as I walked in, I noticed a gas burner was on, but nothing was on the burner. When I asked her about it, she said she was making tea and couldn?t figure out why it was taking so long. She didn?t realize she hadn?t put the kettle on the stove. I told my friend about that later, which may or may not have been the best thing to do because?she dealt with it emotionally for years. The stress on the daughter was insurmountable.
Another friend of mine who works for a Neurologist often sees elderly patients come into the doctor?s office with their baby boomer children. Vicky tells the story of the day a woman in her 90?s criticized her hair style. A very embarrassed daughter told her mother not to speak to Vicky that way, which may have been the worst mistake the daughter could make. Her mother proceeded to scream at her in the waiting room, telling her that she would ?slap her silly? if she ever talked to her that way again. She added something about having raised her to have more respect. The daughter, by the way, was in her late 60?s.
I?ve noticed my mother likes to talk about politics all of the time. We don?t like to talk about politics because we are tired of it. However, in a conversation today with my brother, my suggestion was that he should talk to her about politics and let her do most of the talking. He doesn?t want to, but since it?s what she likes and since she often mentions how all of her friends are dead and she has nobody to talk to, it might not be such a bad idea. I?m going to call her later today and listen to her talk about politics. Maybe I?ll even get a good laugh out of it, especially after Amy Grant reminded us to ??Have a little humor because it?s the last great lesson they will teach you.?
By Dianne Thompson Stanciel ? comments welcome at highheelshotflashes@gmail.com ?
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Source: http://www.highheelshotflashes.com/2012/10/the-last-great-lesson/
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